The Definition of No.

Perhaps I'm too accommodating to people and don't know it. Maybe I'm too eager to please. That's probably the reason why I don't say the word "No" often enough. While I detest using it, it is a necessary word. I mean, you can't please everyone all of the time. Sometimes, you have to be a little bit selfish; sometimes you have to put yourself first.

I... am SO not there yet! Every time I'm asked to do something, I jump on it like a snot-nosed private that just received orders directly from his commanding officer. Granted, while I don't see anything wrong with that, I do tend to stretch myself beyond my means at times to indulge other people's needs, as it were. Last night, I ended up using my entire hour break from work going to stores open 24 hours to find a big bag of cotton balls for one of my Goddaughter's science projects for school. (OK. I'll go to the ends of the world for anything she needs but still...I did so because my sister, her mother, asked me.) Speaking of my sister, I'd be finishing Chapter 2 of The Believer [BTW, in case you're interested http://nevermoreraven13.xanga.com/ ] and posting it right now had I not left my laptop at home for her to use. Very unselfish of me, I think, but I could've just as easily have said "No. I need it tonight." That would've been the end of it and it would've been the truth. (And before you ask, I know I could've easily copied the story onto my flash drive and taken it to work with me but I don't trust the computers at work, OK?) Yet still, I caved and with a smile on my face.

A couple of days ago, I invited a friend of mine out to breakfast because I know her to be a night owl like myself and I know for a fact that she's always up early and hungry. So, I took her to breakfast and then, since she asked, I chauffeured her around because she needed to make a few stops. Didn't even hesitate to offer myself up or anything.

As for my next two days off, tonight is my night. I pretty much have nothing to do after work except enjoy my day off and, while the same can be said for Wednesday night, I've already told two friends that I'd hang with them. It's no biggie for me, really. When stuff like that happens, I just put everyone in the same room together so I can hang out with all of my friends at once. Still, the point I'm trying to make is that I could've just as easily cancelled on one and hung out with the other. Actually, to be completely honest, Wednesday November 11th is the U.S. Marine Corps' birthday. As a tradition, I usually go out and get shit-faced either alone or with any of my fellow Devil Dogs that I can find. Nevertheless, I put tradition aside so as to convenience others.

I'm not saying it's a burden. It doesn't bother me at all. I love having friends that miss my company. I love having family that depends on me. I love being the Go-To guy! However, looking back on my life, I can't help but realize that while I've been very unselfish, at times, I've hindered my own progress, dreams, goals, etc., and as commendable as that might look to the naked eye, on paper, that's not such a good look at all. I always find that amusing though because, all my life, my religious teachings have always told me to give of myself to the fullest. That has always been confusing because Jesus would give you the shirt off of his back and He's loving and caring but when I do it, I'm stupid! (UGH!)

A long time ago, I was asked by a, um...professional, to describe myself in four words or less. He told me not to think about it but to just say the first words that popped into my head. My reply was simply:

I AM YOUR SERVANT.

I don't know why I said that. Those words just came out and, the really strange thing is, I believed in them. As a matter of fact, I still do. Helping or serving others is the single greatest joy I get out of life. That's why I hate it when people tell me that I have to look out for myself first sometimes. I hate it because, while I know they have a point, it goes against my nature and Lord knows that you can't fight who you truly are. At least not for long.

I don't know if I have it in me to be self-centered and self-indulgent and I don't care to find out. I like the way I am but I do have to figure out how to start accomplishing goals a little better, a little faster and with a lot more frequency. Going to the gym tomorrow (ironically, because someone asked and I didn't say "no") to see if I can get back on that horse. I was doing great until 4 weeks ago and then, well...I guess I said "NO" to myself, didn't I? Perhaps I don't need to look up the definition of "No" like I thought I did. Maybe, I just have to start saying "Yes" more towards the things that I like.

Hangover Heaven

This has been, by far, one of the most entertaining weekends of my life. So much so, in fact, that I have to put it in the Top 10 All-Time Best Time list. Actually, it started way prior to Friday.

I've been in and out of more bars than I can remember and, for some reason, I feel a rejuvenation in my game. Well, maybe not my game because I really don't have much of it anymore but I am actually excited about dating, flirting, etc., a little more lately. That might not seem like a big deal to anyone reading this but it is. For a long time, I was out of it. I didn't see myself with anyone. Still don't but I'm hopeful. That whole incident with me almost becoming a father really put things in perspective.

So there was a make out session last week with someone I really didn't think would be down for it. It was nice. Great, even! I hadn't done the "making out on the couch" thing in a long time. I felt like I was in high school and was making out at a girl's house whilst her parents were out. Sounds corny, I know but it's the little things that go miles and miles with me.


Then the flirting everywhere else...bars, bus stops, bookstores...has been a little out of control and overwhelming by my previously recent standards. I don't know what it is that's gotten into me but I'm riding out this wave for as long as I have it in me to do so.

Oh! And strippers help boost that surge inside me (And YES! I know it's really stupid to think they're after anything but money but I have a wonderful imagination!)

But anyway, I'm trying to calm down. I've drinking everyday for the the past five days; the culminaton coming on Saturday with the mother of all bachelor parties! (Hence the strippers. Stay focused!) I still have two more days off of work so I'm gonna enjoy them in the same fashion even though my funds are beginning to diminish. Hell! I'm writing this blog from BLVD Bar & Grill in Elmwood Park. Got a pint of Yuengling and a shot of Jack Daniels next to me. (I'm nursing the shit out of them but I'm still drinking! So much for "trying to calm down," huh?) Actually, I have to go to another bar to meet up with friends but I can't pry myself from this barstool because, if there's one thing I love better than anything, it's people-watching.

The person I'm watching at the moment is some cat named Freebird (I shit you not! That's his name.) I think he's homeless because I never see him with a beer in front of him and he's always eating people's leftovers but he's a gas to watch. Apparently, he likes jamming to the music on the juke. Right now, he's jamming to (Wait for it!) FREEBIRD! Homeless, in a bar, eating leftovers and jamming to Freebird. I don't know why, but I'm kinda jealous of him! LOL! (No, seriously! I am.)

This whole blog is an exercise in chaos! I know this. However, that's what happens when I'm in super hangover mode. My mind is pure chaos at the moment. I can't make sense of anything nor do I intend to. To quote one of my favorite movie phrases: I'm an agent of chaos!

When I Get Bored, I Get Thirsty

I had forgotten how much this little cluster of towns had to offer. Everything is so fucking close together! While that may seem like a bad thing, I think it's fucking awesome. Bergenline Avenue alone boasts a wide variety of South American cuisine. Seriously, I think every fucking country is represented. Incidentally, between that and my mother's cooking, I'm getting fat again. Correction: I'm getting FATTER again. I was already fat to begin with.

I had forgotten about the endless amount of dollar stores, mom and pop shops and bodegas, bodegas, bodegas! It's good to have options people. That's all I'm saying. However, for all of these options, there isn't a decent pub within spitting or pissing distance. Sure I can go to the Whiskey Bar, Black Bear, McSwiggins or any number of pubs in Hoboken but I must confess, I've gotten spoiled living in Little Ferry for so long. I miss having a bar that's literally right down the street. I'm not saying there aren't any around here in Union City but a majority of them aren't even pubs. OH! And some of them aren't even legitimate businesses. A tell-tale sign of that is when you're in a bar and it doesn't show up on any Google or Yelp business searches but you know for a fact it's been there over a year. Also, if there's a shitload of security for such a small space, either get the fuck out or take your chances.

Now, I know what you're thinking.

Mannix, Mannix! Why, oh why is drinking cold, draft beer at pubs your only form
of entertainment?!

The answer is simple: there aren't enough comic book stores, firing ranges, Brazilian Ju-Jitsu dojos or strip clubs around to keep my overactive attention span occupied. Ok well, actually there are but they're also ridiculously expensive either in one sitting or over time and, as much as I want to have fun, I must remember that I have to save money because I can't allow this whole "living at home" thing to become permanent, but I digress.

Actually, I don't know why I love pubs and bars so much other than the fact that I'm a tempered alcoholic. (I have to remember to coin that phrase.) However, having moved back to my old stomping grounds and having not only Hoboken but Manhatten all the more closer to me, I've been attempting to discover newer forms of entertainment. The problem is, well, I'll be damned if I know what I'm really passionate about. Let's go through the list:

• Beer
• Sex
• More Beer
• More Sex
• Comic books
• Video games
• Mixed Martial Arts
• Firearms

Hmm...maybe I should broaden my horizons before I start contemplating being passionate about something. Then again, I love doing the pub thing. Last night, in Elmwood Park, I visited my friend Jamie but as she was busy pouring drinks, I realized that I loved people watching and listening in on all manner of conversations both casual and slightly odd. I loved it.

So, while change is good and discovering new things would be a boon to my imagination, why should I stop doing what already makes me happy?

That being said, I'll see you at the pub!