The Truth Is...

...I've had plenty of times to blog but I didn't feel like it. It's not that I didn't want to, mind you. I just felt uninspired and thus unmotivated.


...I've been hitting the gym because I want to look good naked.


...I miss my Daisy more than I cared to admit.


...I am a 10th Commandment-breaking son of a bitch!


...you can't handle the truth which is why I always "exaggerate the truth" whenever possible.

...I want to fall in love, get married and have kids as much as women and most guys want that shit too!


...while all of that is true, "the pickin's are slim!"

...I do like the beach.

...I didn't go last year because it reminded me that I was alone.

...I may be as evil as you think me to be.

...I love Pandora!

...I hate like I love. Unconditionally. Please don't get on the wrong side of that fence!

...I do love writing but I fear putting too much of my mind on paper because I don't want you to know how much of a monster there is underneath the skin.

...I hate hypocrisy.

AND,

...I always lie.

Listen To Me.

I don't think you heard what I said the first time around. No problem. I don't mind repeating myself for the thousandth time. Follow me around the room and try to keep up this time:

• Yes, I was looking at your girl. She's the one with the nice rack, the skin tight shirt that's accentuating said rack and those beautiful blue eyes. I noticed the eyes because she was looking at me. NEWS FLASH! People tend to do that sometimes.
• No, that doesn't mean I was trying to steal her from you so I could fuck her brains out.
• Yes, I definitely would have done that had the opportunity presented itself especially now that I know you're a douchebag!
• What am I looking at? An attitude problem. Does that answer your question? Good. Let me know if I can be of any further assistance.
• Yes. I did buy my license you stupid, old bat! But while we're on the subject, let's talk about why you're really upset. You're mad at me and my supposed lack of driving skills because I didn't leave you enough space to pass me on 45th street in Union City. However, you're bitching at me...AS YOU'RE FUCKING PASSING ME! Who's the one with problem here, toots?! Here's a clue: NOT ME!
• To all you fucks out there who want to date a great girl but are WAY too insecure to trust her not to break your heart because you're too chickenshit to trust anyone, STOP FUCKING DATING CHICKS THEN! You're only making them miserable and showing how much of a dumb fuck you are! (I'm looking at you, Mr. B.)
• Yes. "NOM-NOM" is a compliment.
• Yes, Captain Obvious. I DO know that for a quarter more I can get the large popcorn. However, are you aware that for a quarter less than that, I CAN GET THE FUCKING SIZE I ASKED FOR?!
• So what if I like The Twilight Saga and the books. I happen to like the story and it's gotten me closer to my Goddaughter and has also inspired her to read more.
• Oh! And I'm still getting more pussy than you despite me liking the Twilight books. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it!
• I TOLD YOU BRAZIL WAS GOING TO LOSE!
• Yes. I am happy about that.
• Yes I am a motherfucker! Which reminds me, tell her I said hello and to put dinner in the microwave for me. I'll be getting there late.
• I am extremely happy that you're new man is perfect. Better still, I'm ecstatic that, as your ex, I don't have to give a shit!
• For the last fucking time, no! We've never, ever, ever had sex! EVER!
• Yes. I did think about it. It comes with the penis. Sue me!
• Yes, now I'm regretting that I haven't considering that I hate being accused of something I didn't do!
• No. I'm not a hater. I just don't like the Yankees or the Lakers. Eat me!
• No. I'm not a violent person.
• Really! I'm not a violent person!
• WELL FUCK YOU IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME, YOU PIECE OF SHIT!
• Yes. Sometimes I miss the Corps.
• Yes. I'll always love her. She'll always have a place in my heart but I am over her. Really.
• No. I sometimes don't give a fuck about my future or my career.
• Seriously, dude! Don't you think I'd be in jail or dead if I really owned a gun?!
• Hell to the no you can't trust me around your wife! Drunk or sober!
• Especially if I'm drunk!
• Especially if she's drunk and I have a pulse!
• Yes, semen washes off but if you're gonna bitch about it, why didn't you just swallow as I had initially suggested?
• No. There's nothing wrong with paying for sex. If anything, it should be sold wholesale.
• No. Weed isn't a drug. It's a plant!
• Yes. I believe in marriage.
• No. I don't think I'm ever going to get married.
• Yes. I'm a pessimist.
• No. It doesn't bother me.
• Yes. I have been homeless before.
• No. There's nothing wrong with the water in Jersey.
• Ok. I'll admit it just this once: Sometimes I do tend to have above average homicidal tendancies but I assure you, I'm keeping them in check.

And last but not least:

• Yes. I truly do believe in soul mates but I don't think that it's a guarantee that we'll all end up with them.

Hey! You asked! I'm just trying to tell you something. Are you picking up what I'm laying down? Are you smelling what I'm cooking? Are you speakin' what I'm spreckin? I'm just trying to spray some knowledge around but I don't think any of you are getting wet.