Year and a Day.

Where the did the year go? It sure as Hell was a fast one! A year ago, I was getting ready for a road trip to Miami, Florida to move my Tyger to her new home. Lo and behold, she has been a Florida resident for a year now. Incidentally, that trip to South Beach was the last time I've been on a beach. I didn't go to the beach in 2010. Not once! (Not that I give a fuck. I'm not a beach person but still...) I'm just saying, I can't believe the year is gone. I really didn't do much this year. Had fun. Lot's of parties, sure. New friends were met. Awesome! (Thanks Daisy for taking me to my first Devil's game at the Rock! I had a blast!) All of those things were great but I don't feel as if I've accomplished anything.

I did start working out midsummer. I had forgotten how much fun that could be. I took a break from it right around Thanksgiving though and haven't been back since. No gyms. No runs on the Boulevard, even. Luckily for me, I believe it's never too late to start anew and even more fortunate for me, I have found a grimy, low costing gym near my my home. (I F'N love those!) I should be able to start working out as early as tomorrow.

One thing that did surprise me this year was the inadvertent outbreak of baby fever everyone (including myself) came down with. I got it early around my birthday when I found out that my long thought diminished chances for having a kid of my own were gravely miscalculated. Add to that, seeing my cousin's kid, Shawn, having another cousin tell me he's expecting his second kid and my bro and his wife having their first born (LOVE YOU RY-RY!) and it's easy to see why, um, "spreading my seed" has become such an important goal in my life. (JESUS! DID I USE THE WORD "GOAL?")

I don't know what lies ahead for me in 2011 but I can honestly say that I'm a bit optimistic. I can actually succeed if I can just stay focused.

The Long and The Short of It.

I'd say that I've been emotionally unstable these past couple of days but I'm always emotionally unstable. In fact, emotional stability has never been my strong suit. Just having to deal with things makes me realize how much I avoid emotional stress entirely. I'm out of practice and let it get to a manic point in my head. I hate it. I hate it because it breeds hate. It makes hate fester and simmer within me to my breaking point if I don't get it under control.

I was going to get into why when I started this blog but fuck it! It's enough for the reader of this blog to know that I'm hostile, volitile; forgive me for what I may say in the near future and tread lightly around me. I'm feeling exceptionally homicidal today.

Maybe. Maybe if I can calm down, I'll explain how I got here emotionally but don't hold you're breath.

Conception

I have a great idea for a story. I've had it for quite sometime but it all just started to piece itself together last night for some reason. I've been brainstorming and recording random ideas on my voice recorder for a few weeks now so I feel like I've got the necessary tools to write an outline and a rough draft of the first three chapters or so. What's more...it's not the original story I started to write and it's not the short story (The Believer) that I started writing two months ago either. In fact, when you look at it from a different perspective, it's an entirely new storyline I've somehow managed to conceive. I don't know where it came from but I'm gonna ride it out. Sometimes you have to go where you're creativity takes you. So, that being said, I'm well on my way to writing something that, well, something that I think I'm truly going to enjoy. I'm going to create my very own universe. I'm SO in love with that idea!

The biggest roadblock I have in front of me now is simply fatigue. It's difficult to write at work. It's even a bigger challenge to write afterwards when I'm dead to the world and by the time I wake up, I lose that vital train of thought; I lose my creative path, so to speak. I guess I just have to find a proper rhythm to the writing and I'll be fine.

I really want to get this done though! So often, I start a project and never finish. I get hit with a burst of inspiration and then, half way through the "putting the ideas to paper" process, I get distracted and stray from the path so much that I lose sight of what I was trying to create. This time, I have something that seems beautiful to me and I want to share it with the world. I hope to God I can keep focused.

However, it probably doesn't help matters much that I'm gonna go to the movies after this to watch Tron: Legacy and then take a long ass nap right after, does it?

The More Things Change...

I hate that I haven't had time to catch up on my blogs. Both mine and the ones I follow. Lord knows how much juicy and extremely entertaining tidbits I must've missed out on by now. Truth is, I love reading other's blogs because I live vicariously through them. While that isn't a problem, (or shouldn't be anyway), it does become a bit odd when that's all one does. Living vicariously through another's eyes is perfectly fine so long as one has a life of their own to live. If not, if you're just racing home after work to read what others have done, you need to get out more.

That being said, I've been neglecting my blogging because I've been getting out more. You know what? I'm almost regretting it. (Almost, but not quite.) I had forgotten why I'd turned into a recluse and hermit for a few years until I walked into my old stomping grounds a while back. Fucking drama! Drama, drama, drama! Left and right! Up and down. I had forgotten that interacting with others can sometimes spark a real life reality show to spring up from out of nowhere.

Hanging out at The Wild Rover Pub, I'm already allegedly fucking my brand new BFF Daisy*, am a gossip and spreading rumors, caused someone to lose their friend (I really don't get that one because the only way I lose my friends is the old fashioned way--Death!) and God knows what other hate is aimed my way. It's enough that I can sense it sometimes but I get it so often that it's almost second nature to me to feel hated when I walk into a room. (So why do I continue going there, you ask? Keep reading.) Regardless of that, you can't have everyone like you and, more importantly, the Rover is holy ground to me. (And I guess deep down inside, I really do love drama.) I missed my old stomping grounds. It's just like I left it.

I hate that part of living life but I don't care. Scratch that! I don't hate that part of living life so much as damage I cause. But fuck it! I have to get out and be a part of the world again. I feel like I've been couped up and hidden away in an attic somewhere. Time to stretch my legs; time to get back to what I'm good at. Chaos! LOL! I laugh but I'm being serious too. I destroy the things I touch and/or come in contact with. To quote one of my favorite comic book superheroes:

"I'm the best there is at what I do. But what I do isn't very nice."

If you see me on the street, you may want to cross to other side. Especially if it looks like I'm enjoying myself.

The Other Side of the Coin.

Having worked the graveyard shift for the better part of an Olympic year, I know a thing or two about the nighttime. As a matter of fact, it's safe to say that I know somethings you don't know.

I know that the park bench where you sit at in the daytime is someone's bed come midnight; That alleyway you cut across is someone's home. The parks themselves become hiding places for those that don't wish their actions being shown in the light of day and conceal even more secrets at night. Playgrounds become bedrooms for young hands and lips longing to explore nubile bodies or are merely the staging area for drinking, drug use and revelry before actual bedrooms are used.

Hills you would think to be deserted as skateboarders slake their thrill issues on most of them under the cover of darkness and backyards and seemingly empty warehouses become impromptu rings or cages for those seeking blood for their respective fight clubs and with muggers, rapists and killers all using the night as their own personal cloak of invisibility, the Angel of Death is seldom too far away.

How the night obscures these things from view. How the night conceals these things from you. Pray you do not stray to far from the light.

The Definition of No.

Perhaps I'm too accommodating to people and don't know it. Maybe I'm too eager to please. That's probably the reason why I don't say the word "No" often enough. While I detest using it, it is a necessary word. I mean, you can't please everyone all of the time. Sometimes, you have to be a little bit selfish; sometimes you have to put yourself first.

I... am SO not there yet! Every time I'm asked to do something, I jump on it like a snot-nosed private that just received orders directly from his commanding officer. Granted, while I don't see anything wrong with that, I do tend to stretch myself beyond my means at times to indulge other people's needs, as it were. Last night, I ended up using my entire hour break from work going to stores open 24 hours to find a big bag of cotton balls for one of my Goddaughter's science projects for school. (OK. I'll go to the ends of the world for anything she needs but still...I did so because my sister, her mother, asked me.) Speaking of my sister, I'd be finishing Chapter 2 of The Believer [BTW, in case you're interested http://nevermoreraven13.xanga.com/ ] and posting it right now had I not left my laptop at home for her to use. Very unselfish of me, I think, but I could've just as easily have said "No. I need it tonight." That would've been the end of it and it would've been the truth. (And before you ask, I know I could've easily copied the story onto my flash drive and taken it to work with me but I don't trust the computers at work, OK?) Yet still, I caved and with a smile on my face.

A couple of days ago, I invited a friend of mine out to breakfast because I know her to be a night owl like myself and I know for a fact that she's always up early and hungry. So, I took her to breakfast and then, since she asked, I chauffeured her around because she needed to make a few stops. Didn't even hesitate to offer myself up or anything.

As for my next two days off, tonight is my night. I pretty much have nothing to do after work except enjoy my day off and, while the same can be said for Wednesday night, I've already told two friends that I'd hang with them. It's no biggie for me, really. When stuff like that happens, I just put everyone in the same room together so I can hang out with all of my friends at once. Still, the point I'm trying to make is that I could've just as easily cancelled on one and hung out with the other. Actually, to be completely honest, Wednesday November 11th is the U.S. Marine Corps' birthday. As a tradition, I usually go out and get shit-faced either alone or with any of my fellow Devil Dogs that I can find. Nevertheless, I put tradition aside so as to convenience others.

I'm not saying it's a burden. It doesn't bother me at all. I love having friends that miss my company. I love having family that depends on me. I love being the Go-To guy! However, looking back on my life, I can't help but realize that while I've been very unselfish, at times, I've hindered my own progress, dreams, goals, etc., and as commendable as that might look to the naked eye, on paper, that's not such a good look at all. I always find that amusing though because, all my life, my religious teachings have always told me to give of myself to the fullest. That has always been confusing because Jesus would give you the shirt off of his back and He's loving and caring but when I do it, I'm stupid! (UGH!)

A long time ago, I was asked by a, um...professional, to describe myself in four words or less. He told me not to think about it but to just say the first words that popped into my head. My reply was simply:

I AM YOUR SERVANT.

I don't know why I said that. Those words just came out and, the really strange thing is, I believed in them. As a matter of fact, I still do. Helping or serving others is the single greatest joy I get out of life. That's why I hate it when people tell me that I have to look out for myself first sometimes. I hate it because, while I know they have a point, it goes against my nature and Lord knows that you can't fight who you truly are. At least not for long.

I don't know if I have it in me to be self-centered and self-indulgent and I don't care to find out. I like the way I am but I do have to figure out how to start accomplishing goals a little better, a little faster and with a lot more frequency. Going to the gym tomorrow (ironically, because someone asked and I didn't say "no") to see if I can get back on that horse. I was doing great until 4 weeks ago and then, well...I guess I said "NO" to myself, didn't I? Perhaps I don't need to look up the definition of "No" like I thought I did. Maybe, I just have to start saying "Yes" more towards the things that I like.

The Things I Keep.

Why do I love the rain so, I wonder? Does that make me weird? Or should I say, does that make me weirder than most weird people? My friends don't seem to think so. Then again, maybe they have simply grown accustomed to my odd behavior. The latter is a definite possibility. As for my newer friends, they don't seem to mind my weirdness either. Personally, I just chalk it up as a character flaw that people seem to find charming and endearing.

I love my friends. I love them so much that I think I'd love them even if I hated them. (I know that might not make sense now but read that again in a minute or two. Trust me. It will.) My latest new friend is Shannon. I swear, there's something about her that reminds me of me. She's a dreamer; has a big heart that shines right through. Cool peoples all around. She in turn is best friends with my Polish brother from another mother, Artie. I met them both at The Wild Rover Pub in Guttenberg. Through whom, you ask? Well, I was introduced by none other than my cousin Aramis (Junior), who's always been the closest I've had to a little brother. I can talk to him about anything and he's always got my back.

Speaking of having my back, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention my big brother Eric. He, who, surprisingly married before me and is expecting his first born next month. He, in turn, is married to BB. One of my most loving and, by far, one of the most generous people I've ever met. She'd buy you a small country if you put it on your Christmas wish list. She also has a great ear so she's always been a great listener. I'm SO glad those two got together.

Oh! And while we're on the subject of great listeners, how could I leave out my favorite beach buddies? Bubbles and Tyger. God! If those two even hear waves crashing on the shore, they take off in a dead run! Seriously! I've actually witnessed that. Incidentally, I didn't see the beach, not even once, this summer because the two of them weren't around. Moreover, I love them both because they constantly remind me not to stray to far away from the light as I am normally inclined to do. It's very difficult to be depressed around those two especially if they're together.

Why am I getting so mushy, you ask? Why so sentimental? Why think on old and new friends? No reason. This isn't a suicide note. (Quite frankly, I don't believe in suicide but even if I did, the goodbye letter would be about 500 pages long.) It's just something I've been thinking about after having a conversation with my cute little blondie, Bubbles. It's something she said when I made it a point that we should hang out more. (I may have made that point whilst being a bit too much attitude.) She quelled my annoyance with the quaint little observation that we never hung out that often in the first place before she got with her man. It was a simple little sentence but it made me think about the rest of my friends.

I rarely see any of them as much as I would've a decade or two ago. I wrote if off as being an adult and being busy and stuff of that nature but the truth is, with my conflicting work schedule and everyone else's responsibilities, it's hard to see them. It's very difficult to hang out. Moreover, we don't all have the same tastes in hang out spots even if we did when we first met. As for my other best friend, she doesn't even live in the great state of New Jersey anymore (miss you, Tyger!) so we only catch up on IM's, text and emails but we can't hang out that way.

Lately, I've been working on my minimalist movement, of sorts. It's something I mentioned in a previous blog about getting rid of things you don't need or don't use. I was thinking about applying that same mentality to my friends list. Not my Facebook list. My actual list of friends. However, that only lasted for a split second. Friends are the one thing in my life that will always remain constant. Furthermore, I rarely ever try to make new friends because I have all that I need with the ones I have now. Nevertheless, I always manage to find a way to make new acquaintances and once that happens, I find it difficult to ever let them go from my heart or memory. In all seriousness, I find it difficult to let go of friends I haven't talked to in awhile or don't keep in contact with. To this day, I wonder how Taz and Lucci are doing. I rarely ever talk to either of them but I worry about my Marine brethren to this day.

No. I can't downsize my actual friend list. Once you're in my thoughts and in my heart and soul, you're there for good; you're there to stay for as long as my heart keeps beating and then some. I keep the friends I make. If for nothing else, I guess it's just another character flaw. Perhaps the people that I meet can sense that about me. Maybe that's why they stay.

Reading this blog again, I've realized that I've left out countless other people. Moreover, them being the friends they are will probably wonder why I left them out of this mentioning of friends on a blog that, odds are, no one ever reads. Some may even make a big deal about it and that's cool. If I make friends that worry about me not mentioning them then I must be doing something right. If nothing else, that lets me know that I have good taste in friends because any friend of mine that is proud to say they know me is worth keeping.