The Edge of the Storm.

If memory serves me correctly, (and it rarely does) this is the first time I've written a blog from a Starbucks over a Cinnamon Dolce latte and an Iced Lemon Loaf. I feel so fucking trendy! Actually, I needed coffee and the Internet went down so it's not as though this was planned but I thought it merited mentioning. Truth is, while I'm an avid Dunkin Donuts enthusiast, this combo of java and baked goods is one of my favorite muses. It helps get those creative juices flowing. And they are.

Right now, I've got a lot of good ideas for some storylines not to mention my enthusiasm for the next coming weeks. I'll also be able to do more workouts and hikes when the weather gets warmer. I am genuinely optimistic right now and while I would love to blame it completely on the latte and the lemon loaf, I know that the reason for my brighter outlook on life is due to the coming storm.

As I write, it is beginning to come down. Weather reports say this is going to be one hell of a deluge. It's going to rain nonstop for about two days. (Big ol' shit-eating, Kool-Aid grin on my face!) I don't know why but I love this weather. It always reminds me of...well, boot camp. We did everything in the rain on Parris Island. Running, hand to hand combat, obstacle courses, rifle range, etc. You name it, it probably was raining when we did it. As masochistic as that sounds, it reminds me of the rebirth, for lack of a better word, within myself. When I became a Marine I became a different man. The experience changed me in profound ways. Some for better, some not, sure but the change, like the slogan says, is forever.

Now, here, at the edge of the storm, I'm not reminded of my military training and lifestyle but of the potential for change. If you are reading this and know me well, and have ever wondered why I love the rain so much, this is why:
The rain reminds me of the potential within me for change. It washes away all of the bad and cleanses me down to my soul.

This is why I feel so good. Why I feel inspired to write my novel as well as my first screenplay; this is why I'm confident that I will be able to transform my body into a healthier, fit version than what I'm walking around with now. Hell! This is what's inspiring me to drink another latte! LOL! Most of all, the rain is the manifestation of my hope that the right woman is out there for me right now and she too is looking for me.

Here comes the storm. Here comes the rain and here I sit, staring out this window, with a big smile on my face.

Misplaced.

I seem to have misplaced my father. I can't find him anywhere. Truth is, I don't know where I left him. My fault really. I don't call the old man enough times. Sure, I can be like the rest of my siblings and bitch, moan, whine and complain that he never calls. That he never passes by to visit or doesn't inquire about his family. Like them, I can be bitter that he now pays more attention to his current family (that being his woman and her two almost grown kids) more than he pays attention to his own flesh and blood. I can be angry that he doesn't help out financially even when he promised he would. I could be upset that he has slowly turned into a ghost these past couple of years and I know nothing about him; he has almost become a stranger. I could be mad...but I'm not.

I do have a father. That's more than most people can say in this God-forsaken world. My dad did raise me. He was a great father. Still is, too. His absence changes nothing. Sure, I misplaced him. It isn't the first time. He always goes hermit on me from time to time. Hell! That's probably why I do it so much. Aside, from my nuclear family, I usually keep blinders on and am oblivious to anything outside of that circle. Moreover, my father and I are also very similar in regards to the way we feel about our family. We don't have to say it everyday but we love everyone. It's just that we sometimes have a tough time showing it.

My Old Man is just like that, I suppose. I guess I am a chip of the old block. I'm becoming more and more like him everyday. Still, I miss him. Maybe I should've told him that before he went underground. Perhaps I should redouble my efforts to find him before he actually goes underground and I never have a chance to tell him how important he is and has been to me. You tell yourself there's always time; you convince yourself that you'll tell a person you love them tomorrow but tomorrow is never guaranteed. To be honest, that's my biggest fear. That I won't have time to say the words that need to be said, even though they technically don't need to be said. If he goes, I'm scared I'll misplace him somewhere in my heart. (Sounds foolish, I know but it's the stuff of nightmares for me.)

I wonder where he's gone. I wonder if maybe he's ashamed of me sometimes because I haven't achieved what he had hoped I could achieve but I purge that idea from my head as quickly as I think it up. He's never been ashamed of me. It's kind of ironic that I should dwell on that now considering I used to pride myself on thinking that, since I had a father growing up, that I wouldn't need him anymore if he chose to leave. I now see the error and folly in that line of thinking. We never stop needing our dads. I have a proud father. A loving father. A misplaced father. Perhaps even a misinformed one, too. Maybe, just maybe, he thinks I'm ashamed of him. Maybe he just doesn't know the truth. He may have simply forgotten that he can do no wrong in his baby boy's eyes.

The Truth Is...

...I've had plenty of times to blog but I didn't feel like it. It's not that I didn't want to, mind you. I just felt uninspired and thus unmotivated.


...I've been hitting the gym because I want to look good naked.


...I miss my Daisy more than I cared to admit.


...I am a 10th Commandment-breaking son of a bitch!


...you can't handle the truth which is why I always "exaggerate the truth" whenever possible.

...I want to fall in love, get married and have kids as much as women and most guys want that shit too!


...while all of that is true, "the pickin's are slim!"

...I do like the beach.

...I didn't go last year because it reminded me that I was alone.

...I may be as evil as you think me to be.

...I love Pandora!

...I hate like I love. Unconditionally. Please don't get on the wrong side of that fence!

...I do love writing but I fear putting too much of my mind on paper because I don't want you to know how much of a monster there is underneath the skin.

...I hate hypocrisy.

AND,

...I always lie.

Year and a Day.

Where the did the year go? It sure as Hell was a fast one! A year ago, I was getting ready for a road trip to Miami, Florida to move my Tyger to her new home. Lo and behold, she has been a Florida resident for a year now. Incidentally, that trip to South Beach was the last time I've been on a beach. I didn't go to the beach in 2010. Not once! (Not that I give a fuck. I'm not a beach person but still...) I'm just saying, I can't believe the year is gone. I really didn't do much this year. Had fun. Lot's of parties, sure. New friends were met. Awesome! (Thanks Daisy for taking me to my first Devil's game at the Rock! I had a blast!) All of those things were great but I don't feel as if I've accomplished anything.

I did start working out midsummer. I had forgotten how much fun that could be. I took a break from it right around Thanksgiving though and haven't been back since. No gyms. No runs on the Boulevard, even. Luckily for me, I believe it's never too late to start anew and even more fortunate for me, I have found a grimy, low costing gym near my my home. (I F'N love those!) I should be able to start working out as early as tomorrow.

One thing that did surprise me this year was the inadvertent outbreak of baby fever everyone (including myself) came down with. I got it early around my birthday when I found out that my long thought diminished chances for having a kid of my own were gravely miscalculated. Add to that, seeing my cousin's kid, Shawn, having another cousin tell me he's expecting his second kid and my bro and his wife having their first born (LOVE YOU RY-RY!) and it's easy to see why, um, "spreading my seed" has become such an important goal in my life. (JESUS! DID I USE THE WORD "GOAL?")

I don't know what lies ahead for me in 2011 but I can honestly say that I'm a bit optimistic. I can actually succeed if I can just stay focused.

The Long and The Short of It.

I'd say that I've been emotionally unstable these past couple of days but I'm always emotionally unstable. In fact, emotional stability has never been my strong suit. Just having to deal with things makes me realize how much I avoid emotional stress entirely. I'm out of practice and let it get to a manic point in my head. I hate it. I hate it because it breeds hate. It makes hate fester and simmer within me to my breaking point if I don't get it under control.

I was going to get into why when I started this blog but fuck it! It's enough for the reader of this blog to know that I'm hostile, volitile; forgive me for what I may say in the near future and tread lightly around me. I'm feeling exceptionally homicidal today.

Maybe. Maybe if I can calm down, I'll explain how I got here emotionally but don't hold you're breath.

Conception

I have a great idea for a story. I've had it for quite sometime but it all just started to piece itself together last night for some reason. I've been brainstorming and recording random ideas on my voice recorder for a few weeks now so I feel like I've got the necessary tools to write an outline and a rough draft of the first three chapters or so. What's more...it's not the original story I started to write and it's not the short story (The Believer) that I started writing two months ago either. In fact, when you look at it from a different perspective, it's an entirely new storyline I've somehow managed to conceive. I don't know where it came from but I'm gonna ride it out. Sometimes you have to go where you're creativity takes you. So, that being said, I'm well on my way to writing something that, well, something that I think I'm truly going to enjoy. I'm going to create my very own universe. I'm SO in love with that idea!

The biggest roadblock I have in front of me now is simply fatigue. It's difficult to write at work. It's even a bigger challenge to write afterwards when I'm dead to the world and by the time I wake up, I lose that vital train of thought; I lose my creative path, so to speak. I guess I just have to find a proper rhythm to the writing and I'll be fine.

I really want to get this done though! So often, I start a project and never finish. I get hit with a burst of inspiration and then, half way through the "putting the ideas to paper" process, I get distracted and stray from the path so much that I lose sight of what I was trying to create. This time, I have something that seems beautiful to me and I want to share it with the world. I hope to God I can keep focused.

However, it probably doesn't help matters much that I'm gonna go to the movies after this to watch Tron: Legacy and then take a long ass nap right after, does it?

The More Things Change...

I hate that I haven't had time to catch up on my blogs. Both mine and the ones I follow. Lord knows how much juicy and extremely entertaining tidbits I must've missed out on by now. Truth is, I love reading other's blogs because I live vicariously through them. While that isn't a problem, (or shouldn't be anyway), it does become a bit odd when that's all one does. Living vicariously through another's eyes is perfectly fine so long as one has a life of their own to live. If not, if you're just racing home after work to read what others have done, you need to get out more.

That being said, I've been neglecting my blogging because I've been getting out more. You know what? I'm almost regretting it. (Almost, but not quite.) I had forgotten why I'd turned into a recluse and hermit for a few years until I walked into my old stomping grounds a while back. Fucking drama! Drama, drama, drama! Left and right! Up and down. I had forgotten that interacting with others can sometimes spark a real life reality show to spring up from out of nowhere.

Hanging out at The Wild Rover Pub, I'm already allegedly fucking my brand new BFF Daisy*, am a gossip and spreading rumors, caused someone to lose their friend (I really don't get that one because the only way I lose my friends is the old fashioned way--Death!) and God knows what other hate is aimed my way. It's enough that I can sense it sometimes but I get it so often that it's almost second nature to me to feel hated when I walk into a room. (So why do I continue going there, you ask? Keep reading.) Regardless of that, you can't have everyone like you and, more importantly, the Rover is holy ground to me. (And I guess deep down inside, I really do love drama.) I missed my old stomping grounds. It's just like I left it.

I hate that part of living life but I don't care. Scratch that! I don't hate that part of living life so much as damage I cause. But fuck it! I have to get out and be a part of the world again. I feel like I've been couped up and hidden away in an attic somewhere. Time to stretch my legs; time to get back to what I'm good at. Chaos! LOL! I laugh but I'm being serious too. I destroy the things I touch and/or come in contact with. To quote one of my favorite comic book superheroes:

"I'm the best there is at what I do. But what I do isn't very nice."

If you see me on the street, you may want to cross to other side. Especially if it looks like I'm enjoying myself.