Shining Armor

I keep falling off my horse. Keep wanting to write but don't. I do so even when I have all the F'N time in the world to do so. God! Maybe procrastination is a freakin' disease! Wishful thinking, I know. Were it a disease or disorder of some kind, there would already be a pill with it's own commercial that would air during a broadcast of CSI or during Letterman or something. No. Procrastination is just me being lazy. So much for writing once a week. I mean, it's not like I don't have anything to write about. I've been caught up in a frenzy of emotions. None of them are my own. As usual, I've fallen victim to the prowess of my attributes. Namely, I've been problem solving. Not the mathematics kind (although there was a shitload of money involved) but the emotional and, dare I say, spiritual kind. Hell! I'm still trying to solve some of them. Some are my own. Most are not. Some aren't even problems at all (in my eyes, that is) while others are just a little too ridiculous to mention but I'll mention them anyway so as not to hide anything.

1. My Tyger, who now lives a few states away, is a bit upset that I do not call her.


2. Daisy is in love but with someone that clearly wasn't ready for her and, truth be told, she isn't completely ready for it either.


3. In saving Dolly's ass with a ridiculous money loan, I left my ass unprotected.


4. I need a fucking vacation!


5. I need to get laid often on this fucking vacation! (Seriously! I think I'm going to kill someone if I don't!)


6. My job is a dead end job but there isn't anything better out there so I have to suck it up.


7. I have yet to complete any paperwork that would entitle me to my GI Bill benefits.


8. Bills, bills, bills.


9. I have a bar tab again.


10. I still haven't found my old man.

Those are just some to name a few. Sometimes I forget about a problem until I come across it again. Sometimes, people come find me for help. I'm a sucker for that one. I love playing the Knight in Shining Armor far too much to stop helping others and putting their problems before mine. I mean, you're taught that growing up. Be generous. Be helpful. Moreover, I'm Catholic. That whole "Do unto others..." thing gets drilled into your psyche if you're paying attention.

Truth is, I have to start being selfish, if only a little, so I can help me help myself. However, I don't know if I can and deep down, I really don't want to. If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times: I live to serve.

The Edge of the Storm.

If memory serves me correctly, (and it rarely does) this is the first time I've written a blog from a Starbucks over a Cinnamon Dolce latte and an Iced Lemon Loaf. I feel so fucking trendy! Actually, I needed coffee and the Internet went down so it's not as though this was planned but I thought it merited mentioning. Truth is, while I'm an avid Dunkin Donuts enthusiast, this combo of java and baked goods is one of my favorite muses. It helps get those creative juices flowing. And they are.

Right now, I've got a lot of good ideas for some storylines not to mention my enthusiasm for the next coming weeks. I'll also be able to do more workouts and hikes when the weather gets warmer. I am genuinely optimistic right now and while I would love to blame it completely on the latte and the lemon loaf, I know that the reason for my brighter outlook on life is due to the coming storm.

As I write, it is beginning to come down. Weather reports say this is going to be one hell of a deluge. It's going to rain nonstop for about two days. (Big ol' shit-eating, Kool-Aid grin on my face!) I don't know why but I love this weather. It always reminds me of...well, boot camp. We did everything in the rain on Parris Island. Running, hand to hand combat, obstacle courses, rifle range, etc. You name it, it probably was raining when we did it. As masochistic as that sounds, it reminds me of the rebirth, for lack of a better word, within myself. When I became a Marine I became a different man. The experience changed me in profound ways. Some for better, some not, sure but the change, like the slogan says, is forever.

Now, here, at the edge of the storm, I'm not reminded of my military training and lifestyle but of the potential for change. If you are reading this and know me well, and have ever wondered why I love the rain so much, this is why:
The rain reminds me of the potential within me for change. It washes away all of the bad and cleanses me down to my soul.

This is why I feel so good. Why I feel inspired to write my novel as well as my first screenplay; this is why I'm confident that I will be able to transform my body into a healthier, fit version than what I'm walking around with now. Hell! This is what's inspiring me to drink another latte! LOL! Most of all, the rain is the manifestation of my hope that the right woman is out there for me right now and she too is looking for me.

Here comes the storm. Here comes the rain and here I sit, staring out this window, with a big smile on my face.

Misplaced.

I seem to have misplaced my father. I can't find him anywhere. Truth is, I don't know where I left him. My fault really. I don't call the old man enough times. Sure, I can be like the rest of my siblings and bitch, moan, whine and complain that he never calls. That he never passes by to visit or doesn't inquire about his family. Like them, I can be bitter that he now pays more attention to his current family (that being his woman and her two almost grown kids) more than he pays attention to his own flesh and blood. I can be angry that he doesn't help out financially even when he promised he would. I could be upset that he has slowly turned into a ghost these past couple of years and I know nothing about him; he has almost become a stranger. I could be mad...but I'm not.

I do have a father. That's more than most people can say in this God-forsaken world. My dad did raise me. He was a great father. Still is, too. His absence changes nothing. Sure, I misplaced him. It isn't the first time. He always goes hermit on me from time to time. Hell! That's probably why I do it so much. Aside, from my nuclear family, I usually keep blinders on and am oblivious to anything outside of that circle. Moreover, my father and I are also very similar in regards to the way we feel about our family. We don't have to say it everyday but we love everyone. It's just that we sometimes have a tough time showing it.

My Old Man is just like that, I suppose. I guess I am a chip of the old block. I'm becoming more and more like him everyday. Still, I miss him. Maybe I should've told him that before he went underground. Perhaps I should redouble my efforts to find him before he actually goes underground and I never have a chance to tell him how important he is and has been to me. You tell yourself there's always time; you convince yourself that you'll tell a person you love them tomorrow but tomorrow is never guaranteed. To be honest, that's my biggest fear. That I won't have time to say the words that need to be said, even though they technically don't need to be said. If he goes, I'm scared I'll misplace him somewhere in my heart. (Sounds foolish, I know but it's the stuff of nightmares for me.)

I wonder where he's gone. I wonder if maybe he's ashamed of me sometimes because I haven't achieved what he had hoped I could achieve but I purge that idea from my head as quickly as I think it up. He's never been ashamed of me. It's kind of ironic that I should dwell on that now considering I used to pride myself on thinking that, since I had a father growing up, that I wouldn't need him anymore if he chose to leave. I now see the error and folly in that line of thinking. We never stop needing our dads. I have a proud father. A loving father. A misplaced father. Perhaps even a misinformed one, too. Maybe, just maybe, he thinks I'm ashamed of him. Maybe he just doesn't know the truth. He may have simply forgotten that he can do no wrong in his baby boy's eyes.

The Truth Is...

...I've had plenty of times to blog but I didn't feel like it. It's not that I didn't want to, mind you. I just felt uninspired and thus unmotivated.


...I've been hitting the gym because I want to look good naked.


...I miss my Daisy more than I cared to admit.


...I am a 10th Commandment-breaking son of a bitch!


...you can't handle the truth which is why I always "exaggerate the truth" whenever possible.

...I want to fall in love, get married and have kids as much as women and most guys want that shit too!


...while all of that is true, "the pickin's are slim!"

...I do like the beach.

...I didn't go last year because it reminded me that I was alone.

...I may be as evil as you think me to be.

...I love Pandora!

...I hate like I love. Unconditionally. Please don't get on the wrong side of that fence!

...I do love writing but I fear putting too much of my mind on paper because I don't want you to know how much of a monster there is underneath the skin.

...I hate hypocrisy.

AND,

...I always lie.

Year and a Day.

Where the did the year go? It sure as Hell was a fast one! A year ago, I was getting ready for a road trip to Miami, Florida to move my Tyger to her new home. Lo and behold, she has been a Florida resident for a year now. Incidentally, that trip to South Beach was the last time I've been on a beach. I didn't go to the beach in 2010. Not once! (Not that I give a fuck. I'm not a beach person but still...) I'm just saying, I can't believe the year is gone. I really didn't do much this year. Had fun. Lot's of parties, sure. New friends were met. Awesome! (Thanks Daisy for taking me to my first Devil's game at the Rock! I had a blast!) All of those things were great but I don't feel as if I've accomplished anything.

I did start working out midsummer. I had forgotten how much fun that could be. I took a break from it right around Thanksgiving though and haven't been back since. No gyms. No runs on the Boulevard, even. Luckily for me, I believe it's never too late to start anew and even more fortunate for me, I have found a grimy, low costing gym near my my home. (I F'N love those!) I should be able to start working out as early as tomorrow.

One thing that did surprise me this year was the inadvertent outbreak of baby fever everyone (including myself) came down with. I got it early around my birthday when I found out that my long thought diminished chances for having a kid of my own were gravely miscalculated. Add to that, seeing my cousin's kid, Shawn, having another cousin tell me he's expecting his second kid and my bro and his wife having their first born (LOVE YOU RY-RY!) and it's easy to see why, um, "spreading my seed" has become such an important goal in my life. (JESUS! DID I USE THE WORD "GOAL?")

I don't know what lies ahead for me in 2011 but I can honestly say that I'm a bit optimistic. I can actually succeed if I can just stay focused.

The Long and The Short of It.

I'd say that I've been emotionally unstable these past couple of days but I'm always emotionally unstable. In fact, emotional stability has never been my strong suit. Just having to deal with things makes me realize how much I avoid emotional stress entirely. I'm out of practice and let it get to a manic point in my head. I hate it. I hate it because it breeds hate. It makes hate fester and simmer within me to my breaking point if I don't get it under control.

I was going to get into why when I started this blog but fuck it! It's enough for the reader of this blog to know that I'm hostile, volitile; forgive me for what I may say in the near future and tread lightly around me. I'm feeling exceptionally homicidal today.

Maybe. Maybe if I can calm down, I'll explain how I got here emotionally but don't hold you're breath.

Conception

I have a great idea for a story. I've had it for quite sometime but it all just started to piece itself together last night for some reason. I've been brainstorming and recording random ideas on my voice recorder for a few weeks now so I feel like I've got the necessary tools to write an outline and a rough draft of the first three chapters or so. What's more...it's not the original story I started to write and it's not the short story (The Believer) that I started writing two months ago either. In fact, when you look at it from a different perspective, it's an entirely new storyline I've somehow managed to conceive. I don't know where it came from but I'm gonna ride it out. Sometimes you have to go where you're creativity takes you. So, that being said, I'm well on my way to writing something that, well, something that I think I'm truly going to enjoy. I'm going to create my very own universe. I'm SO in love with that idea!

The biggest roadblock I have in front of me now is simply fatigue. It's difficult to write at work. It's even a bigger challenge to write afterwards when I'm dead to the world and by the time I wake up, I lose that vital train of thought; I lose my creative path, so to speak. I guess I just have to find a proper rhythm to the writing and I'll be fine.

I really want to get this done though! So often, I start a project and never finish. I get hit with a burst of inspiration and then, half way through the "putting the ideas to paper" process, I get distracted and stray from the path so much that I lose sight of what I was trying to create. This time, I have something that seems beautiful to me and I want to share it with the world. I hope to God I can keep focused.

However, it probably doesn't help matters much that I'm gonna go to the movies after this to watch Tron: Legacy and then take a long ass nap right after, does it?