It was a sweet sentiment. Sincere, as well. I couldn't help but to believe it. However, I've heard it too often in my life for me to just...settle for it. I know not how often I've heard countless women tell me that I'm a great catch but they don't see me that way or I'm not the one for them or that I'm that man they want to be with in a few years but "not just now." (That one is my all time personal favorite, for some reason.) It's gotten to the point where it doesn't even phase me. Truth be told, every time I talk to a woman, be her a friend or otherwise, I already anticipate the likely conversation. It's either full of unnecessary reaffirmations or rife with cautionary truths filled with carefully worded phrases meant to spare my feelings.
...feelings...
I'm not quite sure mine are all there anymore.
You hear these things long enough and you get jaded. That's where I am at the moment. I'm trying to prioritize my life and to do that, I know I have to actually know what I want. Do I really want to settle down? Do I want to start a family? Or do I want to continue viewing women as disposable treasures? Do I want to keep having wave upon wave of meaningless sex with countless women ranging from the insecure to the sex-crazed? Is it possible to have both?
That's what I got into with Dolly. She's the one that said that quote at the beginning of the blog. If you're a loyal follower of this blog, you'll remember that she and I had a very tumultuous episode a little under a year ago. Anyway, she said what she said and then told me that if she gave me what I wanted, that it would be fake. That threw me. I mean, one person's "fake" is another person's "fantasy." I don't need a clear-cut definition of what is real and what isn't. If and when I fall in love again, I'd like to think that I'd recognize the situation for what it is. For some reason though, I'm not conveying that confidently enough. However, I can see why that's difficult with me. I love unconditionally. Be you a friend or family, if the word escapes my lips, it originated from my heart and my heart has been broken and pieced back together so many times that it can only love in that way. I guess that, even though I'm saying I want a fling, maybe Dolly (and perhaps damn near every other woman on the planet) doesn't think I can keep it that way. That sucks too because the ones that do think I'm all about a fling are the ones that want a real relationship with a guy. My wires must be crossed or something.
I haven't ruled out walking down the aisle and having little munchkins running around the house and driving me crazy. I really do want that. Right now though, I'm lonely and it would be nice to get some TLC from someone who you love already as a friend and more. Someone whom you have been intimate with and knows how to push all the right buttons.
There's nothing wrong with that, is there?
