I've been brooding as of late. Too much on my mind. Since I haven't been around the blogosphere in awhile, I'll just cut to the chase: I got a girl pregnant. Now to tell you that story I have to tell you this one.
A decade or so ago, while I was in the U.S. Marine Corps, I was a communicator and worked with a lot of equipment that gave off a lot of radiation. Nothing murderous (that we knew of anyway) but it was known that it did give most of my sperm a tan, so to speak. Damn near everyone I served with, within my MOS, that had children almost always had girls. The reason being, is that said radiation from the equipment almost always destroyed the Y chromosome that made it possible to have boys. Well, my condition was a bit more severe. Apparently my sperm count was never up to par. At least, it wasn't as strong as when I started fucking at the ripe old age of 14 years old. (Go Mannix!) The docs said that would improve over time and that I shouldn't worry.
A year and some change ago, however, I went for a check up and my sperm count was still sub par. "Oh well," I said to myself. I consigned myself to the fact that I couldn't have kids. It wasn't just because of the opinions of a few physicians either. I was in a 3 year relationship with my then girlfriend and I know we had a ton of would-be accidents (most of them alcohol induced) and before her, I was in an on and off relationship with another woman for far longer that that and, since we were with each other and exclusive for so long, the use of protection was almost a non issue. Furthermore, these were women I had commited to. All that time, in two different, serious relationships and not one accident.
So now, I'm single. Shooting the shit. Having fun. Haven't been with a girl in awhile so, naturally, I jump at the chance when, pardon the term, "pussy presented itself" so willingly. How could I resist? The person in question wasn't a stranger either. It was just someone that I didn't think I would ever bed. A friend, let's call her Dolly*. (And yes, she's in a relationship with another person. Nothing I'm proud of but nothing I'm ashamed of either. It was one of those spontaneous, heat of the moment things and the sex was phenomenal!) We have no intentions of ever getting serious; no intentions of ever starting a family. So naturally, now I have the ability to have a kid. Now my sperm starts wanting to do it's job.
I could blame the new exercise regimen and proper diet I was on or just divine providence for my newfound vigor and "testicular fortitude" but that's irrelevant. What I can't help but find ironic is the fact that I conceived a child with a woman that I knew would never keep my seed.
Seeing my Goddaughter's deadbeat father and knowing of countless other stories of similar deadbeats, I know I would never be that way. Moreover, I wanted the child. Lord knows if this ONE time was just a fluke. That's all that kept running through my mind when I asked her what she wanted to do even though I knew the answer to that question before I asked it. She made a choice and as much as I hated this one particular choice, I respect her right to make it. To her credit, she seriously considered having my child. Knowing full well I may never have this opportunity again, she actually considered pretty much putting the kibosh on her entire relationship just to sire my child.
As depressed as I am about not having the privilege of being a father, I cannot fault her nor can I ever be mad at her. Not many friends, not even close ones, would ever even consider sacrificing so much.
So here I am, still brooding on the loss; still dreaming of the prospect of ever cradling a son or daughter of my loins in my arms. However, as much as I am saddened, I have newfound hope. It very well may be possible that I am still very capable of having a child of my own. Nevertheless, if I regret nothing else, I will anguish over one thing: My baby would've had the most beautiful eyes one could ever hope to gaze at.
*Names have been changed. Honor has to be protected.
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